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Wholistic Sexuality: Connection, Power & Passion

Wholistic Sexuality™

A Paradigm of Empowerment, Connection & Passion

 

Are You Craving Connection?

We all long for a sense of union and yearn for attachment. Everyone craves deep connection. Yet, so many people feel alone, and live shadowed by a sense of disconnection and isolation. Having sex is certainly one of the common practices that people use to feel, at least temporarily, united. Unfortunately, they often don’t have the kind of sex they dream of and wind up feeling even more disengaged then ever. I believe that part of the problem is the way that we think about sex, about connection and about our selves.

I offer you a new way to relate, a new model of sexuality—Wholistic Sexuality™. In essence, Wholistic Sexuality is about connection, beginning with your connection to your Self.

It’s All About You

That’s right. I’m saying that at heart (or perhaps lower) sex isn’t about what you do with other people behind a closed door. First and foremost, your sexuality is about your relationship with your Self.

And, let’s face it, you’re complicated. One way to understand your Self is to understand that you’re made up of interconnected, overlapping spheres, the domains of your mind, body, spirit and heart, which are linked and surrounded by an energy matrix. You are your past, both all that you remember and all that you’ve forgotten, as well as your present and the myriad futures you imagine. Your relationship with yourself is formed by genetics, upbringing, and experiences. It’s an amalgam of your beliefs, assumptions, and values. Your sexuality is composed of fantasy and reality, dancing with your deep desires, permeated by needs and challenges. Your sexuality is an inherent part of who you are, and all that makes you, uniquely you.

durer-nude-woman-with-the-zodiac-c-1502-1500It’s About Everything

Your sexuality is also about your connection to everyone and everything. It includes relationships with your intimate partners as well as your friends and family, influenced by media, history and culture. It’s part of all aspects of your life including your work and your play, your communities and spiritual traditions. Like a hologram, your sexuality is a microcosm that reflects and manifests everything from the personal to the planetary.

Lifelong Learning Journey

We’re on a lifelong journey of learning and discovery and that is especially true about our sexuality. Here’s a key fact to comprehend about sex: much of our sexuality is learned, including our erotic capacities and responses. Like learning to play an instrument and make beautiful music, we learn how to play our selves to make sexual magic.

Practice Makes Access!

Each of us comes fully equipped with all the everything we need to access ecstasy. You can think of your self as having tools, of mind, body, spirit, heart & energy. We all have the equipment but not everyone learns how to fully operate it and really make it sing. Just like learning to play the piano, our sexual skills need to be learned, and then practiced if we want to develop mastery. The more you practice, the easier it gets.

How You Learn

Learning is a process of skill-building. First you need to develop a foundation of basic skills. Once you become adept at the essentials, you can go on to cultivate more advanced abilities. The foundational skill set is your solo-skills, that is, the ability to competently play your own instrument. Once you have facility with your own sexual self skills, you can master partner skills and play delightful duets with others. Everyone can learn these skills and become sexually adept. Of course, there’s always more to learn on the journey to erotic mastery. Even virtuoso musicians always continually hone their craft.

Meaningful Models

In order to learn to be a sexual virtuoso you need to know what’s possible, then how to get there. Bad maps, which our culture provides in plenty, don’t get you where you want to go. It’s crucial to have accurate maps, usable guides and true templates for this journey. When you have functional and empowering models of what sex is and what it can be, then you can more easily follow those paths and reach your full sexual potential.

Language License286-7_kitagawa_utamaro

We need to free our words and discover, create or reclaim luscious, comfortable and hot language to talk about our sexuality, our bodies, and our desires. Only then we can really start to talk about sex, learn about it and consciously create our sexuality.

 

Genital Reality

Believe it or not, our current understanding of female and male genitalia is incomplete and inaccurate. How you play your instrument or anyone else’s if you don’t even know what’s really there and how it operates? We need to know the whole truth about our bodies. The lack of this fundamental information has myriad serious repercussions.

Erotic Owners Operating Manual

After you get the picture of the basic equipment, then you need to know how it works, and how you can make it work better. For example, once you understand the process of arousal, and learn to fully utilize your innate tools, you can dramatically enhance your sexual experiences. Once you understand the erectile equipment or how our nervous systems are hard-wired for pleasure we have much more ability to utilize our glorious bodies.

radha-krsna0Celebrate Sex

We need to reclaim sex from the shame-mongers. Sex is the inherently sacred power that creates life. When you recognize your potential, you are unleashed to explore the vast and potentially transcendent realms of orgasm and ecstasy. Your sexuality is a powerful, transformative gift that’s your personal manifestation of the universal life force. Sexual pleasure is your human birthright. Claim it! Free your sexuality and you’ll tap into your very own vital wellspring of joy. After all, it’s yours!


The Ecstatic Journey of Birth and Sex

The Ecstatic Journey of Birth and SexThe Ecstatic Journey of Birth and Sex

Sex, Fertility, Bliss, Bonding & Birth—One Elegant, Ecstatic System

Here’s the straightforward (and elegant) reality: women’s sexual, emotional and reproductive structures and systems are one connected, coordinated, integrated arrangement. Sex, pregnancy, birth, orgasm, breast-feeding, bleeding (and not bleeding) — all participate in the same grand system. Science tends to break systems down into their components, in the process often overlooking the fact that the whole is much greater than the sum of the parts. It’s an approach that has its virtues, but misses the forest for the trees. While the female sexual system does depend on the contributions of muscles, hormones, nerves, psyche, energy, neurochemistry and more, it’s not just a compilation of parts. It’s a unified, brilliantly designed system, and we’re missing something important if we don’t see it in that light.

lausselConnected Systems

In humans, sex and reproduction, love and lust, and care and connection all overlap and interconnect. There are not three separate systems, one for pleasure, one for reproduction and one for bonding. It’s all one integrated, multi-purpose arrangement. It makes evolutionary sense that this is so. While it’s certainly possible to have unconnected, uncaring sex, we are definitely hard-wired for connection.

The Evolution of Human Female Sexuality

This is especially true for women, for whom sex is a high-risk activity. Female humans have limited reproductive opportunities, unlike males with their unending supply of sperm. Pregnancy and child-rearing are activities that require an enormous amount of time and energy. Since it takes human babies many years to become independent, and since two can raise a family more easily than one, having sex with someone you are emotionally bonded to tends to be a successful reproductive strategy.

givingbirth5Sex and Birth: Joined Journeys

Our culture tends to see birth and sex as unrelated activities. Not that people don’t understand that sex is what gets the baby started, but the subsequent processes—pregnancy, birth and breast-feeding—are generally seen as maternal, not sexual. This is a false dichotomy. The fact is that arousal and labor are very similar, and so are orgasm and birth. While it’s true that sex is intensely pleasurable and birth is wildly intense (and often intensely painful), both are consuming, extraordinary and powerful processes that are similar by evolutionary design, and not by coincidence.

Sex and giving birth are not just two ends of a journey: they are the same journey, an intimately connected system that follows a primal evolutionary template. Evolutionary design conservatively uses the same equipment, energy and biochemical tides in both the sex and birth experiences. Both journeys also involve similarly altered states of consciousness, with the kindred trance states choreographed by the same chemistry.

The Same Trip

Both the first stage of labor and the process of arousal are involve surrender, release and opening. Each requires a person to go with the flow, turn inwards and become entranced. Both orgasm and the decidedly more active propulsive second part of labor involve adrenalin-mediated action.

Also, either process can get derailed by the same antagonists—fear, anxiety, and the inability to trust and to open. Yet another antagonist for both is stimulation of the analytical neocortical brain, which can cause either process to stall. Despite our generalized cultural anxiety, labor and birth have the potential to be powerful, transformative and even ecstatic experiences. Some women actually have orgasms during the birthing process!

Surrender in Safety

As a practical matter, it’s useful to keep the parallels between sex and birth in mind. As a midwife with over two decades’ experience birthing babies, I can say with certainty that, to have the best possible birth experience, you should choose your birth place the same way you’d select a place to make love — where you’ll feel safe, private and undisturbed. Surround yourself with trustworthy allies and people who have faith in the innate wisdom of the natural birth process. Only when a woman feels secure can she open to the powerful tides of arousal or labor and release into orgasm, birth or ideally orgasmic birth in a flood tide of pleasure, wonder and love.

 The Milky Way by Rubens

The Milky Way by Rubens

Love Fest at the Breast

Breast-feeding is also part of women’s sexual experience, as it’s designed to be a pleasurable and even ecstatic lovefest between the sacred and intertwined dyad of mama and baby. The hormones of in-loveness and bonding are there to help us survive the exhausting demands of parenting and ensure that we nurture our offspring instead of ignoring or abandoning them, as we’d surely do if we didn’t love them madly.

The Integral Nature of Female Sexuality

All the aspects of the journey — cycles, fertility, pregnancy, arousal, orgasm, birth and breast-feeding — are part of the integral whole that is female sexuality. It is one of the tragedies of our culture that we’ve severed pregnancy, birth and breast-feeding from their messy, earthy, embodied sexual roots. To fully appreciate female sexuality, we must remember these connections, which hold true at a primordial level whether the woman in question chooses to (or is able to) reproduce or not.

Beyond that, we must also bear in mind that the integral nature of female sexuality does not begin and end with the body. The emotions are involved, too. There are not separate processes for love and lust. All these circuits are connected to and by the biggest sex organ of all, the brain. We’re hard-wired at all levels to bond, be blissful and to birth!

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You Say You Want an Evolution: Wholistic Sexuality

Erte 1You Say You Want an Evolution

What Is 21st century sex?

What could it be?

What is Sex?

I’ve been a Wholistic Sexuality Teacher, midwife, nurse and gynecology practitioner and an enthusiastic sexually active woman for many decades and I still don’t have a simple answer to that question. I can tell you what it’s not. Sex isn’t just some brief lusty activity involving your reproductive organs, hidden behind a closed bedroom door. It’s so much more then that.

A Fantastic Fulfilling, Frustrating Force

Sexuality is a force that is colossally complicated and mesmerizingly compelling. It’s an unavoidable part of being human, yet shrouded in mystery. Sexuality is an interplay of desire and denial, fantasy and reality. It’s a complex physical and biological template tangled with an equally elaborate cultural overlay. Sex is powerful and promising, chaotic and conflicted, ecstatic and blissful, frustrating and disappointing. For some it is demonic, for others, divine. Sex is emotional, energetic, and often overwhelming. Its power is personally pervasive and culturally ubiquitous, with messages both hidden and overt. Potentially, our sexuality can be deeply connecting; of us to ourselves, to others and to the great mystery of life. Unfortunately, that potential is never achieved for many people.

Should You Be Ashamed of Yourself?

Currently, sex in our world is based on negative models grounded in ancient history, perpetuated by modern media and the convoluted chaos of contemporary culture. For many, sex is a source of unhappiness, frustration and a deep unsatisfied longing. We live in a unique time and place where sex is overtly in-your-face and covertly in your pants, all the while harboring undercurrents of shame, guilt, fear, denial, lust and self-loathing for our bodies, our desires and our pleasures.

Succulent Sacred Sublime Sex

SUKUH Temple, Karang Pandan, Central Java, Indonesia2I believe that we need a new model of sexuality that incorporates a bigger picture of what sex is, of who we are and what we can be as sexual beings. I see a desperate need for a model where sex is honored, celebrated and sacred. So I made one up.

A Sexual Evolution—Wholistic Sexuality

We had a sexual revolution, with its bumpy gains, imperfect progress and some serious backlash. Now it’s time for a sexual evolution that I call Wholistic Sexuality. In essence, my Wholistic Sexuality model is about connection.

This philosophy brings sex back into connection with all aspects of our selves and our lives in a way that honors the power of sexuality. Sexual expression, pleasure, intimacy, fun and joy are necessary to be integrated and whole. In order to be a fully vital human being, we need our sexuality to be intact, functioning and healthy.

Love Yourself As You Love Your Neighbor (or Lover)

This does not imply that in order to be healthy we must be in sexual relationships with others, but rather, we must create and maintain a good sexual connection with ourselves. In other words, Wholistic Sexuality is, first and foremost, about your relationship with your Self. This includes your relationship with your body, your history and experiences, the beliefs that you were exposed to as you grew up, your current and past relationships, your community, the media, your culture, and all other aspects of your world. All of these components and more create your internal sexual relationship. Indeed, your sexuality is a hologram of your inseparable mind, body, heart and spirit. Your sexuality is ultimately, about everything.

A Sexy Healthy Whole

It seems everyone these days is striving to be healthy. Exercise, meditation and healthy eating are now mainstream ideas, supported by countless cultural messages. But sex hasn’t yet emerged from the shadow of repression and shame to become part of what is considered a healthy lifestyle. Only when you connect your sexuality to the rest of your life, will you become integrated and truly healthy.

Conscious Connection

I believe that a sexual evolution is beginning and will continue to occur. It’s a part of the evolution of personal and global consciousness that is occurring planetwide. And since I believe that evolution begins at home, I encourage you to explore and enhance your connection to your own delicious sexuality. After all, without sex, life itself would be impossible. And a whole lot less fun!

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What is Sex?

Have you ever stopped to wonder, “Just what exactly is sex anyway?” Here’s our definition — see if it doesn’t expand yours.
(Excerpted from our new book Succulent SexCraft.)

What Is Sex?

Sex is any erotic activity: it’s something you do. Sexuality encompasses the whole of who we are. It incorporates our thoughts, emotions, stories, beliefs, values, relationships, boundaries, choices, behaviors, knowledge and experiences.

Sex makes life. It made you—the one and only complex entity you are.

Sex is the vital life force, the energy that infuses all living creatures. It connects all life (including you).

Sex is the pervasive power of creation, the force that fuels sexual reproduction. It drives evolution’s mix of competition and cooperation. It generates diversity, beauty and complexity.

Sex permeates everything. our political systems, spiritual traditions, institutions, mythologies and cultures are shaped by it in myriad ways, both positive and negative. Eros fuels fertility, creativity, connection and love.

What Is Sex For You?

For starters, ponder these questions, remembering that there are no right answers. If you choose, record your responses in your journal.

• How do you define sex?
• What did you think sex was when you were a child?
• What would you like your sex life to be like?
• What do you like about your current sex life? What do you dislike about it?
• What are some positive feelings you have about your sexuality?
• What are some negative feelings?
• What do you believe would make your sex life more fulfilling?
• What would you like to learn?


We encourage our readers to answer these questions
beforSucculent SexCraft Book Imagee and then again after reading the book, to clearly show the progress they’ve made. Of course, you can’t do that if you don’t have the book, but that is an easy problem to fix!

5 Stars! “Engage your curiosity and transform your erotic play” By Kate Chopin

Sexual Breathing – An Easy Way to Play with Your Pleasure

My book, Succulent SexCraft: Your Hands-On Guide to Erotic Play and Practice is jam-packed with games, exercises and practices. Here’s a teasing, tempting taste! I find this practice super-useful in a wide variety of sexy situations.

anne-anderson-wind-blowsSexual Breathing Practice

Your brain is one of your most powerful arousal engines. You engage it through your awareness, focus and imagination. Joining it with your breath is a winning combination!

In this simple Sexual Breathing Practice you imagine breathing through your bottom (genitals, anus and perineum) at the same time that you pump your pelvic floor muscles (PFMs) and, of course, breathe. You can coordinate the pattern in whatever way is easiest for you. Try doing it the way I suggest and if that doesn’t work for you, do the reverse.

Here Goes

Take a deep breath in and pull up on your PFMs. Exhale and release them. Continue the pattern of coordinating breath and pelvic floor muscles. Begin to imagine that your breath is actually being sucked in through your bottom as you inhale and is being released from your bottom on the exhale. Imagine that you feel the air flowing into your genitals as you pull it in on your inspiration and flowing out as you exhale and release. Feel the sensations of the air rolling in and out.

Find the rate that is easiest for you. Practice and play with it until it feels natural and effortless.

Relaxing Rhythm

You can use this practice with a slow rhythm to relax. Make it nice and easy, using a pace that’s a bit slower then your normal rate. Get that leisurely rhythm going and bask in the calming practice.

Ramp It Up: Slowly Get Faster

Play with using this practice during erotic play. See what happens when you start slow and slowly increase the speed until you’re really rocking it. Take your time going from slow to rapid. The more time you take to shift gears, the better.

Fast and Furious

Try breathing at a rapid rate to turn up your turn-on. Make sure to keep each breath deep as you go fast. Use your energetic breath as a way to fire up your erotic energy.

Breathing Plus

Use a combination of various breath rates and rhythms, along with pulsing of your pelvic floor muscles and engage your imagination. Imagine that you’re using your upper and lower pumps to pump up your arousal! (You actually are doing exactly that.) Imagine that your mouth and throat are connected to your pelvic floor and genitals. (They actually are!)

Orgasm Additions

Add conscious breath practices to your next climax and see what happens. Experiment with breathing slow for one orgasm and breathing fast for another. Notice what happens.

Breath is for Solo Or Partnered Pleasure

You can do sexual breathing alone or with a partner. When you do it as a duo, you can synchronize by both doing the same pattern at the same time. Or you can do opposite patterns, with one of you inhaling while the other exhales.

Play and Experiment

Remember, there’s no right way and no way to do it wrong, so go ahead and experiment. Play with breathing through your bottom and pulse your way to more pleasure.

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An Overview of the Integral Model of Wholistic Sexuality™

I spend a lot of time thinking and writing about sex, particularly from my integral holistic perspective. I’m always trying to make my paradigm more clear, understandable and elegant. Here’s my latest version of what Wholistic Sexuality is. If you want to read the longer version, it’s is in the library.

Arthur Rackham Illustration from The RingWholistic Sexuality is about connection. First and foremost, your sexuality is about your connection with your Self — that’s your primary relationship.

Your Self includes all of you: body, mind, heart and spirit, past, present and future, genetics and environment — everything that makes you uniquely and completely you.

Your sexuality is about who you are, not who you do (or don’t) have sex with.Whatever you do or don’t do — you are a sexual being. Your sexuality is an inherent, inseparable and vital aspect of you.

Wholistic Sexuality is about seeing the connection of all life. Your sexuality connects you to everyone and everything. Your fundamental relationship to your self forms the foundation of all your other relationships. Like a hologram, your sexuality is a microcosm that reflects and manifests everything from the personal to the planetary.

Sex is one of the most powerful forces on the planet — it makes life! When you understand and respect that power you can channel it appropriately and responsibly, allowing you to connect with your ecstatic energy and its transformative potential.

Wholistic Sexuality sees sex as something you learn, including your erotic capacities, abilities and responses. Like learning to play an instrument to make beautiful music, you can learn how to play your ‘instrument’ to become an erotic virtuoso.

Bliss is your birthright. You were born with the natural capacity for extraordinary pleasure, abundant joy, and deep connection. Wholistic Sexuality is the map, the lessons and the guide to discovering, expanding and claiming your full sexual power.

Wholistic Sexuality offers a vision of sex where it is normal, natural and inherently good, where we honor the miracle of life and revere the energy of Eros. When we respect the power of sex and learn to navigate its awesome energy everyone can connect with the sacred gift of ecstasy.