The Cautious Lover by Nicolas Tassaert, c. 1860

Pleasurable Safer Sex:

Sexual (& Sensual) Interaction Guidelines

Sheri, The Queen of Safer Sex and Good Condom Fairy Says, “JUST BECAUSE IT’S SEXY, DOESN’T MAKE IT SAFE!”

Talking about sex with a potential partner usually isn’t easy. Most of us have never seen good communication about sex modeled in our lives. We don’t see it on our screens, whether we’re watching sitcoms, mainstream movies or porn.

Why is it So Hard? (And Not in a Good Way)

We may think of sex as a scarce commodity that we need to grab quickly before the opportunity evaporates. Or, perhaps we think that discussing a possible sexual encounter will ruin the moment, dissipating the magic and deflating the erotic energy. Sometimes we’re conflicted and confused as our lusty desires war with internalized sexual shame. Often we’re uncomfortable with the limited vocabulary of sex and just plain inexperienced with talking about what we want or don’t want. Maybe we just don’t know what we want!

And finally, the ultimate challenge: arousal makes our thinking brains go off-line, leading to the classic inability to have enough blood flow for our heads and our genitals. I like to say that sex makes us stupid. There’s nothing personal here, it’s just how we’re wired.

The thing is, great communication about sex is what makes for really great, pleasurable, mutually satisfying and hot sex!

So, here’s a short guide to helping you navigate the tumultuous waters of erotic communication without capsizing or running aground so your sexual sailing is smooth and pleasurable.

Start with Yourself

Check in with yourself before engaging in sensual and sexual activities with someone else. Be honest and take as much time as you need to be clear about what you want to do or not do. You need to start by checking in with yourself. This is not a one-time decision. This is an ongoing practice! Keep checking in as you go.

The Pre-Pre-Sex Talk: Communicate Clearly and Honestly

So easy to say but here it is: Communicate with your potential partners. Be honest, clear and overt. Use your ‘courage muscles’, take a deep breath and just do it.

Honor Boundaries

Make agreements about the boundaries for your erotic interactions and then honor them.
Honor prior agreements with others. Tell the complete truth about your agreements.
Discuss expectations, intentions and commitments before engaging in behaviors.
Be responsible and respectful to yourself and to others. Play nice.
Don’t assume permission, ASK! This, too, is an ongoing practice!

The Pre-Sex Talk

If you’re all in agreement about wanting to play erotically, have a Pre-Sex Talk.
If you can’t talk about it, don’t do it. Remember, sex makes you stupid, so be smart and have this conversation before you’re highly aroused.
Already aroused? Take a break, calm down until your brain goes back on-line and then talk.

Want to reduce health risks?

Consider staying in the shallow end of the pool–that is, playing in the safer realm of sensual activities. There’s a lot of fun to be had without contact of your genitals and the surrounding skin, or sharing sexual fluids and the accompanying risks of disease. You can still have a great and erotic time. It’s better to be careful then sorry!

The Pre-Sex Talk

This conversation includes:

Who are you currently being sexual and/or intimate with? Discuss current partner status and agreements.
History of sexually transmitted diseases
Testing history including HIV, as well as other sexually transmitted infections.
What intimate sensual or sexual activities will you engage in together, now?What kinds of pleasure do you enjoy giving and receiving?
What are your boundaries? At what points do you want to check in again?
What safer sex or risk reduction practices will you use?
Contraception, if applicable.
Anything else that needs to be talked about?

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