Secrets of Female Pleasure

Resources & Home Play Assignments

Week One: Old Maps—Limiting and Transforming Beliefs

Text Resources

Review these resources

Read these blog posts:

Video Resources

Solo Sex

Just Take a Couple of Slow Deep Breaths

Vibrators Part One: Will Using a Vibrator Ruin Sex with Real-Life Partners?

Vibrators Part Two: Will Using a Vibrator Cause Nerve Damage?

Vibrators Part Three: The Hitachi Magic Wand

Your Home Play Assignment(s)

Create a Pleasure List

Make a list of things that you can do for (and with) yourself that give you pleasure. Include things that you can do in a few minutes, that require a medium chunk of time, and that need a leisurely time span. Include things that are free (although luxuries that cost money are okay, too).

Put your list where you’ll see it. Add to it as you discover new ways to nurture, love and pleasure yourself.

Take regular pleasure breaks during your day and do something on your list. Or, start your day by doing something that makes you feel good and happy. Conclude your evening with another pleasurable action or activity.

Suggestions: Sing a song. Make a piece of art. Read. Stretch. Dance. Have orgasms. Do orgasmic breathing. Take a hot scented bath by candlelight. Listen to the birds. Pat your pet (your four-footed one, not your genital one). Drink water. Get and give massage. Take three deep slow breaths. Listen to music. Take a walk in nature. Chocolate! Mangos!

Don’t limit yourself to this list—do what brings you pleasure.

Make pleasure a habit. And a practice.

Practice Self-Love

Self-pleasure with solo sex (and other ways!)
Do it! Take time for yourself, by yourself.

Women: Have several solo sex sessions, being your own wonderful, slow, attuned lover. Take your time.

Close your eyes.
Go inside.
Attend and attune to your sensations. Focus on pleasure & arousal.
Play with self-touch. Be creative and have fun, exploration and pleasure be your guide.
Notice the stoppers that arise. Counter each with 3 positives and return to self-pleasuring.
Did I mention to take your time?
When you’re done make some notes: what stoppers arose? What worked?

In Your Solo Sex Sessions

Focus on pleasure and arousal, not orgasm. (Orgasms are welcome but entirely optional!)

Take time to creatively play with self touch, tuning in to sensation.

Practice Awareness:

Notice what’s happening, especially sensations, thoughts, feelings.
Especially note what challenges you and what stops you. Write down the common thoughts and stories that arise for you.
Journal or make notes.

Rewriting Your Inner Narrative: Three Positives

We all have a negative interior soundtrack made up of cultural maps and models that don’t serve us or our pleasure. These often include criticism, nagging doubt and self-limitation, especially about pleasure and sex. We can re-write these stories! Here’s how:

First, bring your old stories and limiting beliefs into the light of your awareness. Start to pay attention and really hear what narratives are running your relationship with your own erotic self.
You may want to focus on one at a time or you may choose to tackle a few. Please don’t overwhelm yourself by trying to deal with all of them at one.
Choose 1 – 3 limiting beliefs (I often call that a ‘Stopper’). Write it out in a short 1-sentence form.
For each of them, think up (and ideally write) out at least 3 ‘Positives’. Make them simple, clear, positive, self-affirming statements in the present tense.
Notice when that ‘Stopper Thought’ comes up. Answer that judgmental voice, not by negating it but by expressing positive affirmations: say your three ‘Positives’. Repeat. (Answer each self-sabotaging comment with a minimum of at least three responses as it takes that many messages to get past our internal negating gates.)
Repeat as often as needed.
When you feel ready address another Stopper thought or belief using the same simple technique.
Be patient. It takes a while for the negative stories to change and become less intrusive. Repeat this practice often and you’ll gradually reprogram yourself.
While you can do this practice at any time, it will be most powerful for rewriting your inner scripts if you do it during erotic trance (that is during arousal and with orgasm).

ATTENTION: MEN: Male Partners: Here’s how you can support your woman’s pleasure:

Focus on Pleasure
Focus on pleasuring your partner. Let go of goals around orgasm, intercourse or anything else. Explore sensual touch in a relaxed, fun, creative, playful way.

Non-Fucking Erotic Play
This is good time to have some play sessions that don’t include anything that is part of your traditional sexual script. For many people, that includes intercourse. Discuss this with your partner. Together, explore the idea of breaking out of your old habits and patterns by having erotic encounters that don’t include intercourse. If you both agree that this would be worthwhile experiment, have some sensual, sexy non-fucking playtime. Discuss later.

Support Re-Writing Her Sexual Stories
Look over the exercises and practices I’ve suggested. If your partner is open to sharing, she may tell you some of the messages and beliefs that she carries that she’s re-writing. If she does, you can support her in re-writing the beliefs that limit her pleasure, by mirroring her Positive Statements and adding you own. (Note: see the structure of a Positive Statement, above.)

Read this Blog Post: Guys’ Lover-in-a-Box Kit, On a Count of Five

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