This is the hand-out that usually accompanies the Beautiful Boundaries class. I hope it’s helpful even without the additional information, explanations and exercises that normally go along with it!
When we have Beautiful Boundaries we have infinite freedom to play and explore within them!
What are Boundaries
They tell us where our “self” ends and the “other” begins. They are emotional, physical, energetic, romantic, sexual, conversational …
- Elastic (Flexible & Stretchable)
- Grow as we do
Principles and Skills of Boundaries
We have the right and the responsibility to protect ourselves.
We are accountable for all behavior and actions.
Learning about boundaries is an ongoing process.
- Self-awareness: know yourself!
- Authentic Communication: Say what you really mean. Mean what you say. Say it clearly and congruently. Tell the truth.
- Choice: Clear boundaries give us permission to have a firm “No,” a wide open “Yes,” and a wise “Maybe” when we need more time to check in with our own needs or need more information.
- Flexibility: increases with appropriate and gentle stretching
- Risk-taking: appropriate and gentle stretching works here, too!
- Respect: Respecting the boundaries of ourselves and respecting the boundaries of others
- Responsibility: Taking responsibility and accepting personal accountability for one’s own actions.
The Sacred Boundaries Process – Overview
- Be Your Goddess/God — Know Yourself Divinely
- Be A Teacher
- Be Your Guardian/Gatekeeper
- Be Your Warrior (if needed) or Be Your Lover (when desired)
The Sacred Boundaries Process
I. Know Thyself: Be Your Goddess/God
Know Yourself Divinely by Checking In With the Chakras
We have many paths to our inner wisdom. This visualization practice utilizes the seven energy centers or chakras to check in with different aspects of yourself. You can use your chakras to know your authentic self, make wise decisions and discover what boundaries work for you at any given moment.
- Root: Location – Perineum. Personal survival & security. The ability to feel grounded. Relationship with the earth. The ability to be present.
- Sex: Location – Lower belly & genitals. Survival of the species. Balance, movement, center of gravity. Fluidity. Food and sex. Relationships associated with reproduction or creativity.
- Solar Plexus: Location – Upper belly, just down from sternum. Personal power. Control. Freedom. Ease of being yourself.
- Heart: Location – Center of chest. Desire to merge and melt. Passion. Perceptions of love, relationships with people close to your heart
- Throat: Location – Throat. Communication. Authentic expression. Openness to Receiving. Trust. Creativity. Abundance and grace.
- Third Eye: Location – Center of forehead. Intuition. Imagination. Mind. Freedom. Spirit. The unconscious or subconscious mind.
- Crown: Top center of head. Location – Spiritual connection with Cosmic or Divine energy. Unity or oneness with the universe. Connection with everything & everyone. Divine bliss. Soul. Higher creativity.
Sacred Boundaries – Checking In With the Chakras Meditation
When you check-in with each chakra, you’ll ask each of those aspects of yourself a question and receive an answer. The answer may be in the form of the lights of a traffic signal. If that image doesn’t work for you, go with other colors, feelings, sights, sounds or sensations – whatever signifies the answers for you.
Traffic Signal (or the Sacred Trinity of Options)
Green Light = Go or Yes!
Yellow Light = Maybe or Caution
Red Light = NO! Stop!!!
Or you may want to have two separate colors for Maybe and Caution:
Tan = Neutral. Maybe.
Bright Yellow = Caution. (And Blinking Yellow for extreme caution!)
The Chakra Check-In Practice
Center yourself with your breath. Get a clear picture of the situation, decision or person you wish to be in relationship with. One at a time, focus on each chakra. Begin by taking a few deep breathes while focusing on that area. Breathe into it and then ask yourself the appropriate question for each. Use the Traffic Trinity to get an answer or use other colors, energy, sound, temperature, movement or any other way the information comes to you. Take as much time as you need to get an answer from each part of you. When you have an answer, breathe it in deeply and then move on to the next chakra. Pay attention to the wisdom that you receive.
- Root: Is it safe?
- Sex: Is it sexy/creative?
- Solar Plexus: Is it empowering?
- Heart: Does it open my heart to love?
- Throat: Do I feel free to speak my truth?
- Third Eye: What does my wisdom say? (Intellect & Intuition)
- Crown: Is it sacred or part of my spiritual path?
Quick Chakras Check
After you practice the Chakra Check slowly a few times, you can learn to do it much more quickly, often with just a few breaths. Try a Quick Chakra Check by taking a deep breath and sweeping through all the energy centers, like they form a channel or tunnel. As you sweep, notice if you experience red, yellow or green lights at each. Or feel for blocks, discomfort, numbness, stuckness or whatever form you get your answers in.
What To Do With the Results of the Chakra Check-In
With any decision, you may or may not get all green lights from yourself. So you need to know what you need to have as a response for any particular situation. For example, it may be that you’re really only interested in having sex with potential long-term partners. If so, before you proceed to invite someone into your sex temple, you probably need each chakra to be a ‘yes’. If, on the other hand, you’re just looking for a hot romp and don’t need a deep spiritual connection to play that way, a yellow light signifying “maybe” in your heart and crown chakras is just fine. Remember, this is about what works and is acceptable to you.
Still, I suggest that you listen carefully to any warning signs and notice if they’re neutral or signals of possible danger. Any red lights in any chakra should be respected! Pay attention to your self!!! You really do know – so don’t ignore your own wisdom!.
What about maybes? Well, first of all ‘maybe’ is a fine answer. You won’t always know and that’s OK. If you’re giving someone a ‘maybe’ answer, let them know why and that it might change. “Maybe I’ll do that project with you, but I need to know more before I commit.” “Maybe I’ll have sex with you, but first let’s hang out a while and talk and do some non-sexual touching and then check-in again in a while.”
Check-in with your self as often as you need to. Make it a habit when confronted by any choice point to take the moment you need to gather the wisdom & information that you have inside you. “Give me a minute to think about that” is a great first response!
OK, now you know what your boundary is at this moment, with this person, in this situation. Now, what do you do with that information?
The Beautiful Boundaries Process
I. Know Thyself (Be Divine!)
Your job is to communicate your beautiful boundaries, clearly, honestly, congruently, and responsibly. You need to show anyone who’s asking to connect with you exactly where they are. In other words, you need to be a good teacher. To do that, you need to learn to become skilled at using all of your communication tools.
First, you must know what’s really true for you. So, step one is always to start with checking in with yourself and knowing your boundaries. If you’re not clear, say so and go back and re-do the Chakra Check-In.
Clarity is a gift to others, an opportunity to give the other person the option of giving appropriately, showing respect and caring for you by honoring your boundaries. Someone who respects you will want to know and honor your boundaries. When someone does respect your boundaries, it builds trust and helps you determine if you want to invite that person in for more intimacy and connection. If they don’t honor your boundaries, it’s really good to know that as soon as possible to protect your self from further transgression.
Your Communication Tools
The Keys are Clarity, Congruence, and Honesty.
- Body Language
Body language can be ambiguous, misunderstood, subtle. Be as clear as possible. Keep your signals congruent.Your body has two basic messages:
– Open, inviting, come in: open posture, relaxed, maximum eye contact.
– Closed, declining, stay away: closed posture, arms and legs crossed, turned slightly away, tense, minimal eye contact.
Gestures are clearer then body language, but can still be open to interpretation, e.g. moving someone’s hand off of your breast; putting your hand up with the palm out in a “stop” gesture. Both body language and gestures can have enormous cultural and gender differences, so be aware of the large possibility of miscommunication if you’re relying on them alone.
- Use Your WORDS!
Verbal language is your best communication tool. And, it can still be misconstrued. You must strive for clarity. Use good communication techniques such as using “I” statements. Check-in. Use mirroring techniques (repeating back what you think they said) to check if the message is received as intended.
III. Be Your Guardian Or Your Gatekeeper
When someone is at the door of your temple, you decide if they may enter or if they shall be denied entry.
The Guardian refuses them, saying “No, clearly, firmly and without apology.
The Gatekeeper opens the door and invites them in with a resounding “Welcome”.
Either way, be consistent with your boundaries, clear, firm, honest and loving in your communication of your “Yes” or your “No”.
IV. Be Your Warrior Or Your Lover
They are two aspects of the same deep inner archetype.
Warrior: When someone trespasses in your sacred garden, tramples your temple, and would defile your sacredness, the warrior kicks their ass!!!
You will rarely need your warrior if the preceding steps have been followed!
Lover: The Sacred Lover fully welcomes the Other into your temple as the manifestation of the Divine! You are the perfect pleasure priest/ess!