Juicy Bits Bloghttp://intimateartscenter.com/journal/en-US2010-02-09T09:03:55ZSquarespace Site Server v5.9.1 (http://www.squarespace.com/)Do You Have A G-Spot? A Prostate? An Appendix? A Self-Reported Study of Things You May Not Know About Your Own Bodyhttp://intimateartscenter.com/journal/2010/1/9/do-you-have-a-g-spot-a-prostate-an-appendix-a-self-reported.htmlSheri Winston2010-01-09T05:17:50ZSexual Health Women's Health g-spot sex study researchCurrently the media have been sprouting stories reporting on a study by British researchers that asked women if they have a g-spot. According to the report’s author, the findings show “fairly conclusively that the idea of a G-spot is subjective.”

I have a one-word response to this: OY! If you are to believe the people who designed this study, to prove or disprove the existence of an anatomical structure, you ask people if it exists. Say what? In my opinion, if you want to discover the existence of a particular body part, it makes a lot more sense to study actual bodies. If you’re looking for subjective information about how much pleasure they receive from said structure, that’s when it makes sense to inquire.

Asking a woman if she has a g-spot is like asking a man if he has a prostate (or like asking anyone if they have an appendix). How would they know, other than by general reputation? However, if you wanted to discover how many men receive pleasure from prostate stimulation, that’s when it’s logical to question them—though the accuracy of the answers will usually be a bit suspect, and your findings will probably vary significantly depending on exactly who and how you ask.

Interestingly, the British study excluded lesbians and bisexual women and asked no questions about specific sexual activities. I’m not surprised that women whose predominant sexual relationships are heterosexual and whose erotic activities probably focus on penis-in-vagina intercourse don’t have a high appreciation of this part of their genital equipment. In general, penile stimulation is one of the least effective ways to stimulate the g-spot.

Here we have another seriously flawed study with utterly unsupported conclusions that’s bandied around by the mainstream media as if it were valid. Such is the power of “science,” even when it’s bad science. Media misinterpretation of scientific studies is commonplace, but this doesn’t keep it from being a pet peeve of mine, along with its near cousin—scientists who design studies badly and then put forth their conclusions as if they were proven by their data.

Ask women about the existence of specific parts of their genital anatomy, and the only thing you’ll discover, as I did from decades of midwifery and gynecology practice, is that an enormously high percentage of women don’t know the most basic facts about their equipment. When you understand how many women (and men) are still searching for the clitoris, you’ll look at research like this and ask yourself: What were they thinking?

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/science/article6973971.ece

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/international/sexy_spot_myth_8T9jQ5V3T05pJ80XQohIYO

http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/149542/G-spot-is-just-in-the-mind-

]]>The Medicating of Menopause — Big Pharma Profits So What’s a Little Cancerhttp://intimateartscenter.com/journal/2010/1/1/the-medicating-of-menopause-big-pharma-profits-so-whats-a-li.htmlSheri Winston2010-01-02T04:20:12ZSexual Health Women's Health menopause estrogen medication Pharmaceutical industryWay back in the pre-Internet dark ages of 1966, gynecologist Dr. Robert A. Wilson authored “Feminine Forever” in which he launched the tide of experts touting the need for menopausal women to take exogenous estrogen. Dr. Wilson warned, “No woman can be sure of escaping the horror of this living decay. There is no need for either valor or pretense. The need is for hormones.” He heralded the shift from menopause as a life passage to a horrendous but preventable disease.

 Once drug companies realized how much money could be made selling this fountain of youth, they employed all the tricks in their very deep bag to make billions of dollars. At various points over the past four decades, the pharmaceutical industry has claimed a multitude of benefits from those little estrogen pills—they’ll protect your skin from wrinkles, keep your vagina wet and pliable, promote heart and bone health, improve muscle tone, not to mention taming the wild mood swings, hot flashes and the general malaise and withering of post-menopausal aging. As an actor who plays a doctor in a commercial says, “When considering menopause, consider the entire body of evidence.” The fake Dr. Heartman intones, “Speak to your doctor about what you can do to help protect your health during and after menopause.”

Not all voices have been so supportive of hormonal drugs. In 1977, Barbara Seaman’s book Women and the Crisis in Sex Hormones warned of evidence that taking exogenous estrogen could cause breast cancer, strokes and blood clots. Her clearly articulated and evidence-backed warnings were heeded by some and ignored by many.

The evidence that taking hormones can lead to increased cancer and other health risks has been around for decades, but that didn’t stop the drug dealers (I mean, drug companies) from peddling their pills as a panacea for all the terrible effects of aging, whether it’s illnesses or the visible signs of the accumulated years. According to their convincing sales efforts, from chirpy post-menopausal post-babes, or real and faux medical professionals, we have been assured that hormones will come to the rescue.  

Despite multiple studies showing the increased risk of endometrial (uterine lining) cancer and later  studies documenting an increased incidence of breast cancer, the drug companies continued their pep-talks for estrogen and maintained their claimed innocence about the risks.

So, what’s new in the battle over hormones, health and huge profits? The courts are chiming in and they’re finding that the pharmaceutical industry wasn’t so innocent after all. A Pennsylvania jury recently  awarded over 75 million dollars to a prior estrogen-using plaintiff who subsequently developed cancer. And why are juries rewarding this cancer patient so liberally? Because documents pried with legal levers from the drug companies files have shown that they spent many millions of dollars to influence the medical and consumer communities. They distracted them from valid health concerns attempted and sometimes succeeded in undermining unfavorable scientific data, and ignored mounting evidence of risks.

The moral of the story is an old wrinkly one that is nonetheless wise—when Big Money meshes with the desire for perpetual youth, beware! The devil wears a white lab coat and his offer to trade your hot flashes now for cancer later is a very bad bargain.

Resources:

Menopause, as Brought to You by Big Pharma

Midlife and Menopause]]>Red-Hot Sex Tipshttp://intimateartscenter.com/journal/2009/12/31/red-hot-sex-tips.htmlCarl Frankel2009-12-31T14:50:36ZI've been reading the book Red-Hot Touch by the wonderful sex teacher Jaiya and her partner Jon Hanauer. What a great guide, especially for hetero guys, who have been known to feel challenged when it comes to dealing with genital equipment that's so much more complex and confounding than their own!

Red-Hot Touch lays out an entire repertoire of hand techniques that are sure to leave her smiling, if not screaming. They all come, so to speak, with fun, descriptive names. For instance, there's Rock Around the Clit: "We don't need to tell you that the clitoris is extremely sensitive, but what you might not know is that certain parts are more sensitive than others. To find your partner's own personal sweet spot, envision a tiny clock on top of the clitoris, then rub on the hour, every hour. This can be tough since the area is small, but allow yourself to enjoy the time it takes to be precise. And if you closely gauge her reaction at each stop, you may come away knowing exactly what 'time' you should tend to most. Strange, but true: Two o'clock seems to be the most popular Happy Hour among women. We don't know why, but it has proven true in almost every class we teach."

(What time is it? It's CLIMAX TIME!)

Of course, playing skilfully with her juicy bits is only one aspect of what makes a person masterful at the art of touch. There's also the rest of her body (I know, guys, this can be easy to forget, except for specific areas). Since female arousal progresses from the outside in, as Jaiya and Jon themselves point out (as does my partner Sheri Winston, in her Women's Anatomy of Arousal), it's usually a good idea to work your way toward the temple at the center.

It's a sad commentary on our society that we're left to fend for ourselves when it comes to developing competence, never mind mastery, in an area of our lives as important as the bedroom. In a rational world, boudoir skills would be part of a basic life curriculum. Thank you, Jaiya, for doing your part to remedy this situation!

]]>A Sex Teacher's Christmashttp://intimateartscenter.com/journal/2009/12/31/a-sex-teachers-christmas.htmlSheri Winston2009-12-31T14:39:04ZWhat does a sex teacher get for Christmas? The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices, of course! Which means that I'll be sharing fascinating facts and obscure sexual tidbits in the posts ahead. For instance, did you know that in the United States condoms were illegal until 1930? Or that oculolinctus is "the act of licking a partner's eyeball for sexual arousal?" According to author Brenda Love (can that actually be her real name?), "This seems to be rare but there are several case including one reported of a female who in order to orgasm would have to lick the eyeball of her obliging male lover."

Life may be finite, but kinks go on forever.

]]>The Do-Overhttp://intimateartscenter.com/journal/2009/12/31/the-do-over.htmlCarl Frankel2009-12-31T14:27:31ZHere's a quick and effective way to avoid getting into unnecessary arguments with your partner: the "do-over."

Here's how it works: let's say your partner says or does something that triggers you. For instance, you say, "I'll do the dishes today," and he (or she) responds with "Good!" Not the answer you were hoping for, right? So what are your options?  The two most familiar ones are fight or flight. You can go on the offensive with something like, "There you go again! Can't you ever say 'thank you'?" Which is fight. Or, you can say nothing and privately nurse the feeling that your partner is an ungrateful lout. Flight.

There's a third way, too. Recognize that you've been triggered (a fancy way of saying pissed off, upset or annoyed) and ask for a "do over." You ask for a repeat of the triggering transaction, but in a way that produces a satisfactory outcome. In the above example, a do-over would look something like this:

He: "I'll do the dishes today."

She: "Good."

He (resisting a flight or flight reaction): "Can we please have a do-over?"

She: "Sure."

He: "I'll do the dishes today."

She: "Great! Thanks, love!"

He: "My pleasure."

A couple of comments about this. First, it takes two to do over. The partners have to be in agreement that this is a legitimate and desirable strategy, and that it is not up for discussion whether a request for a do-over is okay. A do-over is always okay! Triggering happens, and when you've been triggered, it's always acceptable to ask to replay the story so it has a happier ending.

Second, do-overs have a double benefit. In the short term, they keep unnecessary quarrels from happening. Over the long term, they help partners learn about their triggering behavior, and to do so in a context that is outcome-oriented and unlikely to produce a cascading bad reaction. In other words, it's a context that's easy to learn from.

Arguments that could have been avoided are a long-term relationship killer. That's why do-overs are so useful. At the end of the day, it's a whole lot better to do a conversation over than an entire relationship.

]]>Betty Dodson – The Grandmother of Masturbation Is Still Going Strong!http://intimateartscenter.com/journal/2009/12/29/betty-dodson-the-grandmother-of-masturbation-is-still-going.htmlSheri Winston2009-12-30T03:42:53ZCommentary Masturbation Betty Dodson orgasmBetty Dodson is a pip! At 80 years old, she still full of sex-positive revolutionary orgasmic zeal. Goes to show what all those years of coming will do you! For almost four decades, she’s been on the front lines of the battle for sexual liberation, freedom of expression and self-pleasure as the foundation of erotic education.

We discussed the power of the Internet for good and ill in the world of sex. One thing we agreed on: it perpetuates limited notions of what people (and their genitals) should look like, and how they should behave (or misbehave) in the bedroom. I particularly liked her comment that we all need to remember that porn is entertainment, not education. At the same time, the magic portal to the virtual digital world of the Internet has provided us with censor-free places to learn, share and connect.

Yet we all battle on—Betty’s currently involved in an important anti-censorship legal battle. Her site previously had an area that contained a wonderful gallery of anonymously self-submitted photos of genitalia along with brief descriptions of how each person feels about their equipment. I had recommended it for years to patients, clients and students so everyone could see the normal and wondrous diversity of human sex parts. Now it’s been defined as pornographic, requiring people who submit their anonymous photos to also provide a driver’s license proving they’re over 18. Kind of defeats the point! With the result being that the galley has been removed.

The grandmother of masturbation laughs and fights and continues to come on. Way to go Betty! Check out our conversation! Succulent Solo Sex



]]>Unfortunately, This Tiger is Not an Endangered Species –Tiger Woods Behaves Like An Animal!http://intimateartscenter.com/journal/2009/12/13/unfortunately-this-tiger-is-not-an-endangered-species-tiger.htmlSheri Winston2009-12-13T18:46:52ZRelationships tiger woods polyamoryOnce again, a cultural icon is brought down from his pedestal. Unsurprisingly, this Tiger is behaving just like the animal he is, pursuing multiple erotic opportunities as they arise. Availing himself of the many willing females in heat is par for the mammalian course.

It’s not really his libido that’s the root of the problem (nor is the problem what he does with his root!). The issue isn’t that he’s mating with multiples. The real problem is that he’s not doing it with integrity. In other words, when he plays the intimacy game, he’s cheating.

And why would we expect any different? In golf, there are clear rules about how to behave on the course, what you can do with your clubs and how you handle your balls. For a high level professional like Tiger Woods, cheating is out of the question. And no one would expect anything different.

In relationships, we are not so fortunate. While the official rules seem to require mandatory monogamy for all (one game, on one course, with one partner), on the unofficial side of the fence, cheating is tacitly condoned (at least until you get caught).

For most people, these are the only games in town. Monogamy, or “cheating.”

These are not the only options, though. If you want to have more than one playmate, there’s a third way—engage in honest consensual multiple partner relationships, also known as polyamory.

This offers a whole new mating game for humans with one basic ground rule—no cheating! After that, it’s up to you. You get to decide what game you want to play and who and how many you want to play it with. Then you find other people who want to play the same game. Whether you decide to play with no partners, one partner, or many players, on one course, two courses or all over the world – it doesn’t matter as long as you’re all playing the same game and following the same explicit rules.

Whether you choose to be sexual with only one or to have more erotic playmates doesn’t in and of itself determine your moral integrity or worth. There are no rights or wrongs in your (consensual) sex life. One partner, threesomes, foursomes, whatever: none are good or bad, better or worse. What’s important is that you tell the truth, have mutual agreements and then play by the rules you agree to. No trickery, no lying or misleading allowed.

Just to be clear, polyamory does not mean you recklessly swing your clubs at any ball and aim for any hole. It means that if you choose to be in multiple intimate and/or sexual relationships, all parties are aware of and in agreement with the plan. This requires a very high level of relationship skills as it takes an ongoing commitment to clear communication and the ability to negotiate to discover win-win solutions, often including compromises. Conscious relationships are not for cowards. To do it well takes balls! (And great skill if you’re going to use your putter properly and safely.)

We all could use lessons in relationship skills, instructions in how to navigate the course and handle a woodie with passion and power. Conscious relationships, especially consensual non-monogamy, can provide a whole new way to be in relationship that includes more freedom, opportunities for connection, pleasure and sex—but only if everyone in the game is playing at a very high level of ability and integrity.

Despite the animal desires that may fuel the game, wild animals need not apply! Untamed tigers may have ferocious desires, big appetites that crave diverse erotic encounters. But having multiple sexual partners requires a high level of emotional maturity to manage to simultaneously play on numerous greens and handle your putter in the complex sport of open relationships.

If you want to be wild and free, you can be, but only within the context of the no-cheating ground-rule. Create the agreements that really work for you. Resolve that lying, stealing and sneaking around the rules, in any way, shape or form is not an option. Find others who want to play the same course at the same skill level … and then have all the fun you want.

Whether mono or poly, consensual honest relationships will circumvent the embarrassing dramas that regularly erupt at home and in the media as real-life humans behave like the randy animals we all are. Just imagine if Tiger had had a polyamorous relationship with his wife! There’d be no fodder for the scandal rags. In fact, he wouldn’t even be a cheetah!

If you want to rut like an animal, it’s best to do it at a conscious, human level. Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where all those cheating tigers were an endangered species!

]]>Designer Vaginas are All the Rage – But Will You Be Raging Afterwards?http://intimateartscenter.com/journal/2009/11/16/designer-vaginas-are-all-the-rage-but-will-you-be-raging-aft.htmlSheri Winston2009-11-16T18:44:39ZSexual Health vagina vaginal plastic surgery desiger vaginasVaginaplasty by any other name would still sound awful—a “trim job?” A “tidy, tighten and tuck?” Would you prefer a spiffy “vaginal rejuvenation?” Perhaps a beefier G-spot would augment your sex life? Bothered by having misplaced your hymen—no problem, you can have a surgical revirginisation! (Whoever said you can never return to innocence apparently didn’t have a good plastic surgeon). And, of course, there’s the increasingly popular partial excision of those pesky protruding inner lips. For more and more women, surgery seems to promise the cute and perfect genitalia of their dreams.

But why are women flocking to doctors to have their genitals redesigned? Didn’t Mother Nature do a good job?

Apparently not. At least, not by the standards of Internet porn, according to which Mama Au Natural was sloppy, unsymmetrical and sometimes excessive in her vulva variations. Luckily, we have modern medicine to come to the rescue and fix all those droopy labia and floppy vaginas.

Vulvar and vaginal plastic surgeries are quite the fashion now. The ads assure women that they no longer need to feel embarrassed by their ugly vulvas. A simple surgical procedure, a little snip to remove excess tissue (it’s doesn’t serve any function, after all) and voila – you can have a vulva to be proud of! Don’t worry about loss of sensation, nerve damage, scarring, sexual dysfunction or future birth problems. Trust me, the docs say, it’s safe! (Besides, who cares how it works, as long as it looks good.)

A new study by Liao and Creighton that’s about to be published in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, (BJOG) calls the medical bluff about the “low-risk” nature of cosmetic labial surgery. In an extensive review of the literature over the past 59 years, they reveal an unsurprising (to me, at any rate) lack of evidence on the safety and long-term consequences of such procedures.

Are these operations really safe? No one actually knows, but since the amount of genital tissue removed in cosmetic labial surgery is comparable with several types of female genital mutilation, we can guess that similar problems could arise, such as birth complications like perineal trauma, postpartum hemorrhage and increased neonatal death. And sexual health and pleasure issues? Well, no one’s actually checked.

While doctors have a multitude of anecdotal claims about sexual satisfaction, they have no actual data to back up their assertions. Co-author of the study, Sarah Creighton, consultant gynecologist at University College Hospital, said, "This paper offers a critical review of available scientific knowledge on labial surgery and identifies a shocking lack of solid evidence. Some studies have laid claims to 'successes' despite suspect methodology, and some have not bothered to define how the conclusions had been derived. Anecdotes proliferate in the literature. Risks and complications are rarely documented.”

As to why women are seeking these procedures in escalating numbers, co-author Lih-Mei Liao, consultant psychologist at University College London, said, "Healthy women are commercially targeted for invasive and irrevocable surgery to the labia minora. Advertisements promote labial surgery as easy answers to women's insecurities about their genital appearances—insecurities that are fuelled by the very advertisements that prescribe a homogenized prepubescent genital appearance standard for all women."

I couldn’t have said it better myself! The wide and glorious range of normal, healthy genitalia is a deep dark secret. It’s like imagining that fashion models and TV actresses represent the normal range of women’s body types and beauty. At least you can walk down a street and know that beautiful women come in all shapes and sizes, but how would you know about the parts that are kept private?

Prof. Philip Steer, BJOG editor-in-chief, said, "Commercial images and social pressures often serve to distort public perceptions about what is physically normal. Healthy messaging about the normal variation in female genitalia, as well as body shape and size more generally is needed and important.” You tell ‘em, professor!

Women, the vagina Mother Nature designed for you over all those millions of years of evolution is perfect. It’s as beautiful as any other flower be it a frilly rose or an elegant tulip.

Women are unwittingly falling prey to limited cultural ideas of genital acceptability—they should be svelte and symmetrical, carefully manicured or hairless, and definitely discreet.

And in order to get the genitals of their dreams and of porn fantasy, they’re willing to take risks—including the possibilities of decreased sexual pleasure, birth complications and ongoing medical issues. Of course, they don’t know they’re taking those risks. So, let the designer vagina buyer beware!

Reference
Liao L, Michala L, Creighton S. Labial surgery for well women: a review of the literature. BJOG; DOI: 10.1111/j.1471-0528.2009.02426.x

]]>That Trigger Momenthttp://intimateartscenter.com/journal/2009/11/15/that-trigger-moment.htmlCarl Frankel2009-11-15T15:56:30ZEvery relationship has its "trigger moments." Our partner says something, and we contract; we get hurt or angry or upset. Maybe you're sharing something that happened to you, and instead of responding empathetically, he goes off into some anecdote about something similar that happened to him. Or maybe she interrupts you ... again.

When a person has been triggered, the usual responses are fight or flight. You withdraw or you attack.

Withdrawal is often silent, accompanied by feelings like, "He (or she) will never give me what I want, so I'll just go away." Attack language goes along the lines of, "There you go again! Can't you ever let me finish a sentence without interrupting?" (Beware those "ever" and "never" words, by the way: they're regressed words, words that emerge from our two-year-old self.)

There's a third way. Instead of throwing fat into the fire by reacting, um, reactively, ask for what you want. One might think of this as the "grown-up way," and it's pretty amazing how difficult it can be to do this. Those old childhood reactivity patterns are buried deep in our beings. But it is very freeing, and great for the relationship too, if you can bring yourself to ask (politely!) rather than react.

Sheri and I have a code for this: we call it a "do-over." Let's say I interrupt Sheri, and she gets annoyed. (This never happens, of course; this is totally hypothetical!). Instead of getting pissy with me, she takes a breath, lets her annoyance go, and asks for a do-over. In response, I take a breath (instead of getting annoyed with her annoyance, another possible pattern) and say, "Sure." This time, she says what she wants to say till the end, I don't interrupt her, and a pleasant transaction has been un-derailed.

This requires a significant measure of self-awareness. We both have to catch ourselves before we slip into reactive, retreat-or-lash-out mode. The person who was initially triggered needs to do this, and so does the person who now has the option of being triggered by their partner's reactivity. Old habits die hard, and they also undermine harmony in relationship. As the meditation teacher Joseph Goldstein has said, citing a sign in a Las Vegas casino, "You have to be present to win."

In this case, being present means noting when you get triggered and not slipping into a fight or flight response. It means asking, politely and lovingly, for what you want. And it also means meeting that request in the same spirit -- not reactively, but with loving generosity.

All relationships have triggers. Precisely because of this, they offer an opportunity to become more self-aware, more emotionally mature, and more loving toward our partner (and ultimately toward ourselves).

How do you handle that trigger moment?

 

 

 

]]>Soul Mates and Beyondhttp://intimateartscenter.com/journal/2009/11/15/soul-mates-and-beyond.htmlCarl Frankel2009-11-15T15:55:10ZEveryone wants a soulmate, right? Sure they do! Here's the thing, though: that "perfect" match may not be the mate that's your best partner in this life.

Let's start by getting our definitions clear. Here's how Wikipedia defines soulmate: it's "somebody with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility." A soulmate is a partner who feels right, through and through. With a soulmate, everything is improbably easy. There's no noise in the signaling: your cues are picked up, and honored, as they were intended to be. A soulmate feels like your "missing half." He or she makes you feel complete.

It's a beautiful dream, and one that animates much if not most of our romantic questing. Unfortunately, the dream of the perfect partner is, well, imperfect.

For one thing, issues arise even between soulmates. There was never yet a relationship that came completely free of tension: there are no "soulmate exemptions." Second, and even more fundamentally, the best and highest purpose of relationship may not be to get along well, with a minimum of disruption. In fact, it may be precisely the opposite--to challenge us to grow beyond our current limitations.

And this requires a measure of conflict, unhappiness and tension. Banal though the term has come to be, "personal growth" is something real and valuable. We are always becoming; ideally we are always becoming more. We are becoming more wise, more integrated, more complete. Personal growth thus defined is one of our life missions--and it is also a mission of relationship. David Snarch, author of the book Passionate Marriage, calls relationships "people-growing machines." It's an interesting and provocative term. When we rub up against our partner (and not in a way that feels good!), we are being offered an opportunity: to become more than we were.

Relationships can collapse because of too much conflict, and also because of too little. Yes, Virginia, there is an unhappiness trap: it can be wise to get out when the going gets too painful. But there's also a soulmate trap, and as unlikely as it may seem, it can also be the path of wisdom to get out when the going is too easy.

The best relationships produce pearls out of the grit of conflict--and leaven the challenges with large and frequent doses of laughter, humility and love.

 

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