Every relationship has its "trigger moments." Our partner says something, and we contract; we get hurt or angry or upset. Maybe you're sharing something that happened to you, and instead of responding empathetically, he goes off into some anecdote about something similar that happened to him. Or maybe she interrupts you ... again.

When a person has been triggered, the usual responses are fight or flight. You withdraw or you attack.

Withdrawal is often silent, accompanied by feelings like, "He (or she) will never give me what I want, so I'll just go away." Attack language goes along the lines of, "There you go again! Can't you ever let me finish a sentence without interrupting?" (Beware those "ever" and "never" words, by the way: they're regressed words, words that emerge from our two-year-old self.)

There's a third way. Instead of throwing fat into the fire by reacting, um, reactively, ask for what you want. One might think of this as the "grown-up way," and it's pretty amazing how difficult it can be to do this. Those old childhood reactivity patterns are buried deep in our beings. But it is very freeing, and great for the relationship too, if you can bring yourself to ask (politely!) rather than react.

Sheri and I have a code for this: we call it a "do-over." Let's say I interrupt Sheri, and she gets annoyed. (This never happens, of course; this is totally hypothetical!). Instead of getting pissy with me, she takes a breath, lets her annoyance go, and asks for a do-over. In response, I take a breath (instead of getting annoyed with her annoyance, another possible pattern) and say, "Sure." This time, she says what she wants to say till the end, I don't interrupt her, and a pleasant transaction has been un-derailed.

This requires a significant measure of self-awareness. We both have to catch ourselves before we slip into reactive, retreat-or-lash-out mode. The person who was initially triggered needs to do this, and so does the person who now has the option of being triggered by their partner's reactivity. Old habits die hard, and they also undermine harmony in relationship. As the meditation teacher Joseph Goldstein has said, citing a sign in a Las Vegas casino, "You have to be present to win."

In this case, being present means noting when you get triggered and not slipping into a fight or flight response. It means asking, politely and lovingly, for what you want. And it also means meeting that request in the same spirit -- not reactively, but with loving generosity.

All relationships have triggers. Precisely because of this, they offer an opportunity to become more self-aware, more emotionally mature, and more loving toward our partner (and ultimately toward ourselves).

How do you handle that trigger moment?