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Serving up a hot and spicy potpourri of musings, advice, and information about sex, love and relationships, we'll discuss everything from sexual health to erotic art, from scientific findings to boudoir toys, from the art of flirting to tips for keeping long-term love alive ... and more!

We are Sheri Winston, the founder and Executive Director of the Center for the Intimate Arts, teacher of Wholistic Sexuality, medical professional, artist and writer and Carl Frankel, Managing Director of the Center for the Intimate Arts, professional writer and free-range thinker (CarlFrankel.com).

At this point, we have to acknowledge: this is an occasional blog. We initially planned on posting new entries twice a week, but the best-laid plans of sex educators oft go awry. (This past sentence is practically on its knees begging for an inappropriate aside, but we'll let the moment pass.) We hope to get back to a regular schedule in the future, when the press of entrepreneurship subsides.

Thursday
Aug262010

Be Your Partner's Collaborator

“The secret is to gang up on the problem, rather than each other.”
(Thomas Stallkamp)

We live in an era when romance is king. (Or queen, as the case may be.) Who hasn't gotten the message that if we don’t fall madly in love with our partner, he or she can’t possibly be right for the long-term? It’s assumed the foundation won’t be there.

It ain’t necessarily so. Falling in love has been called a form of insanity, and insanity is by definition delusional. In love's case, it's also usually temporary, which I suppose is both bad and good news. As love's biochemicals fade, and they inevitably do, we have to find other reasons than being madly in love to be in relationship with our partner. This is when considerations like character come in. And something else, too: the fact that partners are a team, in the same sense that a corporate sales force, an army squadron and a sailing crew are all teams.

Intimate partners share goals and projects. Lots of them, like raising children, budgeting wisely, maintaining a home—and let’s not forget getting more skilled at the art of relationship! And then there is that larger project all partners share but rarely address directly—the pursuit of happiness.

The fact is, our days in intimate relationship are days spent doing shared decision-making. Days spent in collaboration.

The famous football coach Vince Lombardi observed, “Individual commitment to a group effort—that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.”

True enough, but didn’t Vince forget something? Where is the couple in this? Or the family? Intimate partners, too, must “individually commit to a group effort.”

In our hyper-romantic culture, it can seem almost sacrilegious to use the same metaphors for intimate relationships that we do for armies and corporations. So left-brained! Still, there's no getting away from this basic truth: For a couple to “work,” they must be an effective team.

Saturday
Jun122010

Kinky Sex: When Did BDSM Become So Wildly Popular?

It’s just another day at The Armory in San Francisco: A bound and naked woman is laid out on a stylish serving table. Elegantly-dressed people of both sexes gather around—enjoying the view, apparently—and take turns having their way with her. Various devices are deployed—dildos, floggers, electrical stimulators. She says “Thank you, sir” and “Thank you, madam” frequently.

Welcome to "The Upper Floor," a high-definition Internet reality show where, website copy states, “real submissive women and real submissive men become house slaves to be dominated, trained, punished, spanked, whipped, and fucked … Inspired by the legendary French BDSM erotic novel The Story of O, The Upper Floor illustrates real lifestyle BDSM as it is lived by 24/7 slaves and Masters, complete with … explicit sex in bondage, punishment, erotic humiliation, and more.”

Read more ...

 

It’s just another day at The Armory in San Francisco: A bound and naked woman is laid out on a stylish serving table. Elegantly-dressed people of both sexes gather around—enjoying the view, apparently—and take turns having their way with her. Various devices are deployed—dildos, floggers, electrical stimulators. She says “Thank you, sir” and “Thank you, madam” frequently.

Welcome to "The Upper Floor," a high-definition Internet reality show where, website copy states, “real submissive women and real submissive men become house slaves to be dominated, trained, punished, spanked, whipped, and fucked … Inspired by the legendary French BDSM erotic novel The Story of O, The Upper Floor illustrates real lifestyle BDSM as it is lived by 24/7 slaves and Masters, complete with … explicit sex in bondage, punishment, erotic humiliation, and more.”



Saturday
Jan092010

Do You Have A G-Spot? A Prostate? An Appendix? A Self-Reported Study of Things You May Not Know About Your Own Body

Currently the media have been sprouting stories reporting on a study by British researchers that asked women if they have a g-spot. According to the report’s author, the findings show “fairly conclusively that the idea of a G-spot is subjective.”

I have a one-word response to this: OY! If you are to believe the people who designed this study, to prove or disprove the existence of an anatomical structure, you ask people if it exists. Say what? In my opinion, if you want to discover the existence of a particular body part, it makes a lot more sense to study actual bodies. If you’re looking for subjective information about how much pleasure they receive from said structure, that’s when it makes sense to inquire.

Asking a woman if she has a g-spot is like asking a man if he has a prostate (or like asking anyone if they have an appendix). How would they know, other than by general reputation? However, if you wanted to discover how many men receive pleasure from prostate stimulation, that’s when it’s logical to question them—though the accuracy of the answers will usually be a bit suspect, and your findings will probably vary significantly depending on exactly who and how you ask.

Interestingly, the British study excluded lesbians and bisexual women and asked no questions about specific sexual activities. I’m not surprised that women whose predominant sexual relationships are heterosexual and whose erotic activities probably focus on penis-in-vagina intercourse don’t have a high appreciation of this part of their genital equipment. In general, penile stimulation is one of the least effective ways to stimulate the g-spot.

Here we have another seriously flawed study with utterly unsupported conclusions that’s bandied around by the mainstream media as if it were valid. Such is the power of “science,” even when it’s bad science. Media misinterpretation of scientific studies is commonplace, but this doesn’t keep it from being a pet peeve of mine, along with its near cousin—scientists who design studies badly and then put forth their conclusions as if they were proven by their data.

Ask women about the existence of specific parts of their genital anatomy, and the only thing you’ll discover, as I did from decades of midwifery and gynecology practice, is that an enormously high percentage of women don’t know the most basic facts about their equipment. When you understand how many women (and men) are still searching for the clitoris, you’ll look at research like this and ask yourself: What were they thinking?

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/science/article6973971.ece

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/international/sexy_spot_myth_8T9jQ5V3T05pJ80XQohIYO

http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/149542/G-spot-is-just-in-the-mind-

Friday
Jan012010

The Medicating of Menopause — Big Pharma Profits So What’s a Little Cancer

Way back in the pre-Internet dark ages of 1966, gynecologist Dr. Robert A. Wilson authored “Feminine Forever” in which he launched the tide of experts touting the need for menopausal women to take exogenous estrogen. Dr. Wilson warned, “No woman can be sure of escaping the horror of this living decay. There is no need for either valor or pretense. The need is for hormones.” He heralded the shift from menopause as a life passage to a horrendous but preventable disease.

 Once drug companies realized how much money could be made selling this fountain of youth, they employed all the tricks in their very deep bag to make billions of dollars. At various points over the past four decades, the pharmaceutical industry has claimed a multitude of benefits from those little estrogen pills—they’ll protect your skin from wrinkles, keep your vagina wet and pliable, promote heart and bone health, improve muscle tone, not to mention taming the wild mood swings, hot flashes and the general malaise and withering of post-menopausal aging. As an actor who plays a doctor in a commercial says, “When considering menopause, consider the entire body of evidence.” The fake Dr. Heartman intones, “Speak to your doctor about what you can do to help protect your health during and after menopause.”

Not all voices have been so supportive of hormonal drugs. In 1977, Barbara Seaman’s book Women and the Crisis in Sex Hormones warned of evidence that taking exogenous estrogen could cause breast cancer, strokes and blood clots. Her clearly articulated and evidence-backed warnings were heeded by some and ignored by many.

The evidence that taking hormones can lead to increased cancer and other health risks has been around for decades, but that didn’t stop the drug dealers (I mean, drug companies) from peddling their pills as a panacea for all the terrible effects of aging, whether it’s illnesses or the visible signs of the accumulated years. According to their convincing sales efforts, from chirpy post-menopausal post-babes, or real and faux medical professionals, we have been assured that hormones will come to the rescue.  

Despite multiple studies showing the increased risk of endometrial (uterine lining) cancer and later  studies documenting an increased incidence of breast cancer, the drug companies continued their pep-talks for estrogen and maintained their claimed innocence about the risks.

So, what’s new in the battle over hormones, health and huge profits? The courts are chiming in and they’re finding that the pharmaceutical industry wasn’t so innocent after all. A Pennsylvania jury recently  awarded over 75 million dollars to a prior estrogen-using plaintiff who subsequently developed cancer. And why are juries rewarding this cancer patient so liberally? Because documents pried with legal levers from the drug companies files have shown that they spent many millions of dollars to influence the medical and consumer communities. They distracted them from valid health concerns attempted and sometimes succeeded in undermining unfavorable scientific data, and ignored mounting evidence of risks.

The moral of the story is an old wrinkly one that is nonetheless wise—when Big Money meshes with the desire for perpetual youth, beware! The devil wears a white lab coat and his offer to trade your hot flashes now for cancer later is a very bad bargain.

Resources:

Menopause, as Brought to You by Big Pharma

Midlife and Menopause
Thursday
Dec312009

Red-Hot Sex Tips

I've been reading the book Red-Hot Touch by the wonderful sex teacher Jaiya and her partner Jon Hanauer. What a great guide, especially for hetero guys, who have been known to feel challenged when it comes to dealing with genital equipment that's so much more complex and confounding than their own!

Red-Hot Touch lays out an entire repertoire of hand techniques that are sure to leave her smiling, if not screaming. They all come, so to speak, with fun, descriptive names. For instance, there's Rock Around the Clit: "We don't need to tell you that the clitoris is extremely sensitive, but what you might not know is that certain parts are more sensitive than others. To find your partner's own personal sweet spot, envision a tiny clock on top of the clitoris, then rub on the hour, every hour. This can be tough since the area is small, but allow yourself to enjoy the time it takes to be precise. And if you closely gauge her reaction at each stop, you may come away knowing exactly what 'time' you should tend to most. Strange, but true: Two o'clock seems to be the most popular Happy Hour among women. We don't know why, but it has proven true in almost every class we teach."

(What time is it? It's CLIMAX TIME!)

Of course, playing skilfully with her juicy bits is only one aspect of what makes a person masterful at the art of touch. There's also the rest of her body (I know, guys, this can be easy to forget, except for specific areas). Since female arousal progresses from the outside in, as Jaiya and Jon themselves point out (as does my partner Sheri Winston, in her Women's Anatomy of Arousal), it's usually a good idea to work your way toward the temple at the center.

It's a sad commentary on our society that we're left to fend for ourselves when it comes to developing competence, never mind mastery, in an area of our lives as important as the bedroom. In a rational world, boudoir skills would be part of a basic life curriculum. Thank you, Jaiya, for doing your part to remedy this situation!