Be Your Partner's Collaborator
Thursday, August 26, 2010 at 08:03AM “The secret is to gang up on the problem, rather than each other.”
(Thomas Stallkamp)
We live in an era when romance is king. (Or queen, as the case may be.) Who hasn't gotten the message that if we don’t fall madly in love with our partner, he or she can’t possibly be right for the long-term? It’s assumed the foundation won’t be there.
It ain’t necessarily so. Falling in love has been called a form of insanity, and insanity is by definition delusional. In love's case, it's also usually temporary, which I suppose is both bad and good news. As love's biochemicals fade, and they inevitably do, we have to find other reasons than being madly in love to be in relationship with our partner. This is when considerations like character come in. And something else, too: the fact that partners are a team, in the same sense that a corporate sales force, an army squadron and a sailing crew are all teams.
Intimate partners share goals and projects. Lots of them, like raising children, budgeting wisely, maintaining a home—and let’s not forget getting more skilled at the art of relationship! And then there is that larger project all partners share but rarely address directly—the pursuit of happiness.
The fact is, our days in intimate relationship are days spent doing shared decision-making. Days spent in collaboration.
The famous football coach Vince Lombardi observed, “Individual commitment to a group effort—that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.”
True enough, but didn’t Vince forget something? Where is the couple in this? Or the family? Intimate partners, too, must “individually commit to a group effort.”
In our hyper-romantic culture, it can seem almost sacrilegious to use the same metaphors for intimate relationships that we do for armies and corporations. So left-brained! Still, there's no getting away from this basic truth: For a couple to “work,” they must be an effective team.










